Sad panda hospital board

We live in a town with members incapable of speaking in public without first apologizing, then droning on and on when they get to the microphone, taking five minutes to say what could be said in one, while the audience laughs nervously in support, and at the end of the exercise, we are all so proud we somehow feel like we deserve to wear the big boy pants.

Thank god these meetings aren't open to outside observers from larger towns, or actual media, or even Parkland High School seniors, because they would give major side eye - The ballots still haven't arrived, the first quarter financials were awful (but expected, so that makes it okay - "Look, I know our entrepreneurial dog mouthwash business declared bankruptcy this quarter, guys, but we predicted it would, so our shareholders will understand, won't they?"), Larry gets pre-scripted questions from board members to counter the notion their third party attorney was somehow anything but impartial, yet can't provide the hourly rate for this exercise in impartiality, Dr. MacElwee, who has pushed for a timely resolution to this beginning March 9, is somehow now NOT AVAILABLE until May 10, two days after the election (provided the ballots arrive), and still another month has passed with Cindy having good leads but no clear direction if someone shows up and wants to exercise their Colorado constitutional right to die.  It's all so complicated, you see, like everything is at the hospital.  So complex.  Like particle physics.  Undoubtedly.  Note:  A toaster appears complex to a four year old.

Note:  I could, in one day, obtain enough illegal crack cocaine to kill myself, and I have never used illicit drugs and don't hang around with anyone who does, yet the hospital, dating back to November 2016, still can't find anyone to refer people to if they want to legally obtain medicine to stop their heart.  Still.  Add another month to the excuse meter.  We're not going to have an answer before June, we're not going to have an answer before September.  We' re not even going to organize the first public forum until October at the earliest.  Because it's all too complex.  It involves watching 24-minute videos, and someone would have to shuffle up and apologize for putting in that video, and then we'd have to adjust the sound and the focus, oh bother, and it is all so complicated, just getting through life is so hard, and having to make decisions on top of that.  How can we expect our board to get out of bed in the morning without major plaudits and attaboys?

What a sorry state of affairs, when the board is so joyfully incompetent.  Setting up a new billing system takes time, I mean, we have to spend the first 25 days after the board meeting coming up with excuses on why we haven't set up the new billing system, and the last 5 days before the board meeting coming up with analogies for how complex it is.

Disaster.  And if we had one, like a major infectious disease outbreak or a gas explosion that leveled an apartment complex or a sudden downturn in the local economy, Estes, sweetie, we are screwed.  Note:  I may have said this already, and I apologize if I have, because it takes such effort to walk to the other end of the room and express an opinion, but I could set up the referral system or the prescription system or have the seconal or DDMP combo pak on hand within a day.  Within a day.  And I am no longer a practicing physician.  I'm just a person with zero tolerance for excuses.  And Cindy, given that I'm pretty sure you take home a paycheck, you need to, in the baldest of all possible terms, shit or get off the pot.  Can I make it any more clear?  Do you know how to defecate, or is that too complex and complicated a biological phenomenon for you to undertake?  These meetings are not your time to show off a new scarf or demonstrate what you learned from your positive-reinforcement seminars.  Do your job, or hand it off to someone who can.

And board, when I say Cindy, you understand I'm speaking to more than just Cindy, right?  Do I need to speak into the wireless microphone to make it clear, or do you need to outfit everyone with hairline mics to eliminate nervousness and dithering?