How to win bids and drive Ebay crazy

February 25, 2018

Okay, so this is probably one of these "you had to be there" moments, but 10 days ago, I was the only bidder (and knew I was going to be the only bidder, because this item is worth about $3 in the real world, and the starting bid was $20) on this Ebay item:

Don't ask why I overpaid for it, it was just a year in the run of Estes Park phone books I had yet to locate, and I felt a bit sorry for the guy, because old phone books is all he sells, I mean, look at his Ebay identity, for God sakes. So rather than wait around two years for another appropriately-priced 1966 Estes Park telephone book to surface, or for him to recognize this item was priced too high and finally lower his price, I splurged.

And I don't remember exactly when I paid, I doubt very much if I stayed up to watch this auction end (well, I know I didn't do that, because this wasn't anything important that I was going to wait until the final 10 seconds to make sure I wasn't sniped - the ending time is PST, lest you think I go to bed at 8:35 p.m. on Friday evenings - note as you read the exchange below how I subtly keep moving the time the auction ended closer and closer to midnight), so it is possible I paid the next day, which was a Saturday, or didn't. Maybe I paid the following Sunday or Monday. Potentially I wasn't in a big hurry, because I knew there weren't any other people clamoring for this item, and the seller hadn't filed an unpaid item claim. Having said that, I know for a fact I didn't pay any later than the following Monday for this item, through PayPal, so the selller received my $20 microseconds later. [In fact, this is bugging me so much, because I want you to have all the information to which you are entitled, I just went on PayPal so see exactly when I paid, and it was on Sunday, February 18.]

The point is, it is now a week later, and I get a little cutesy Ebay update yesterday informing me that the seller has just shipped the item.

So the seller has waited 6 days after my payment was received electronically to ship the item. Had I read farther down in the description (like I cared), I would have seen that the seller (for some reason) only ships on Saturdays. So this is very convenient for the seller, to list his items so that they end late Friday night, and then only ship on Saturdays. This is entirely his right, to set an arbitrary shipping date, but it also my right (whether you agree with me or not) to leave a comment in feedback that reflects my puzzlement that I paid shortly after the auction ended, and would likely not see the item in my mailbox until two weeks later (he lives in California and ships media mail, again, in fairness, these nuggets are listed in the description, and he is entitled to ship it however he wants if he ships for "free" (generally, sellers just recover these shipping costs in the overpricing of their minimum bid, as this seller did, so I don't feel sorry for them) - I don't have a complaint against the method of shipment or where he lives compared to where I live, just the arbitrariness of when he ships.).

This is all a long-winded and very unfunny lead-in to what I found to be a very funny exchange after he discovered I had left less that glowing feedback prior to receiving my item. He unloosed an email barrage which is still continuing, because I have one rule about Ebay, especially when I am paying way more than market value for essentially worthless items, and the item has yet to arrive: (1) If the seller is going to complain about ANYTHING, he is not going to have the last word.

So the seller is obviously someone with time on his hands, because around 11:00 a.m. today, he started sending back two emails for every one of mine. And they were coming quickly, practically seconds after I had hit the "send" button on mine. So he was a worthy adversary, but I certainly wasn't going to let on, because there are very few people in the world (think of that Mel Gibson quote from Lethal Weapon) who can type as quickly as me, maybe 9 or 10 tops, when I am motivated and start deciding it is time to unloose the penguins.

Again, you may not even be able to follow this, but the high points are (A) I worked in the insult that he was probably sending my package using uncanceled stamps peeled off the box that contained his weekly supply of colostomy bags AND (B) at the same time I was composing and sending that email, I opened a new window and sent Ebay a request to get a complete refund, because (and Ebay won't anyway, so it doesn't matter what reasons you give) he had not sent me a telephone book, but rather a photograph of penguins (the only non-sensical photograph I could locate quickly in the preloaded Microsoft photo file - you have to include a photo with your Ebay complaint).

Pretty much now my go-to photo when I need to completely disorient folks,
including the Ebay help desk

I don't know if it was (A) or (B), or the combination of both (Ebay quickly forwarded a form letter mentioning my complaint), that sent him into immediate seizures, but whatever, either he has smashed both fists down on his keyboard, or as of 2:00 p.m. MST, I currently am enjoying the last word. [Update: Seizures have stopped, keyboard repaired - As of 2:11 p.m. and for the last 30 seconds, I am currently enjoying the last word.]

Final note: To really enjoy this, read it as fast as it was typed, meaning quickly, this entire exchange took place in less than 30 minutes.